A Testimony of Transformation and Forgiveness Behind Bars

By Amanda, Kairos Inside Women

My name is Amanda, but when my journey of true transformation began within the Tennessee Department of Criminal Justice system. I attended Kairos Prison Ministry #10. I was only 20 years old, and in those few short days, God reached down and firmly grasped my heart in a way I had never experienced before.

Before Kairos, I considered myself a Christian, but I didn’t truly know God. I was simply going through the motions. I had been attending church since I was five years old, riding the church bus because my family itself was not a believing one. Deep inside, I longed for an intimate relationship with God. I had said many times that I was saved, yet I didn’t truly understand what salvation meant until I found myself behind prison walls.

A Life Without Direction

I wound up in prison for several reasons, but one of the greatest was a lack of direction. I had too much freedom at a young age. At 17, I moved away from home after constant conflict with my stepfather. No one knew the true reason behind my anger…he had molested me when I was nine years old. I never told anyone. Instead, I acted out.
By the age of 13, I had lost my virginity and started drinking, smoking cigarettes, and using marijuana. I was first incarcerated in 1997 at 17 years old. My mother allowed me to sit in county jail for six months before bonding me out. I cried, pleaded, and promised her I would change.
I didn’t.

I received 10 years of deferred adjudicated probation, but after only two years, I violated it. I was angry all the time, angry at life, angry at others, and angry at myself.

Loss, Consequences, and God’s Hidden Mercy

My judge was a tremendous blessing in my life. He recognized that prison was what I needed and sentenced me to eight years in prison. I was 19 years old…and pregnant.
I gave birth to my daughter at seven months pregnant, and she died at birth.

My judge allowed me to leave custody to bury my daughter before turning myself back in. Losing her was the hardest thing I have ever experienced, far more painful than the reality of prison itself. Looking back, I now understand that God knew I would not have been able to serve my sentence with a child in the free world while I was incarcerated. I turned 18 in county jail and 21 in prison. It was not a life anyone should have to live.

Finding Healing, Identity, and Forgiveness

As my sentence continued, I began the difficult process of discovering who Amanda truly was. I took every program available: AA, NA, EA, OA, and psychological classes, desperate to understand myself and my pain. I finally faced my childhood abuse and the destructive behaviors that had followed me for years.
I attended church every time it was offered. I was housed on the death row unit, where most women had less than 25 years. I was blessed to be on this unit as it’s the only unit with heating and air conditioning. God showed me so much favor from there very beginning.

I dealt with my childhood molestation and forgave my stepfather. I had to because I knew that I would never be happy if I remained bitter. I made amends with people I’d hurt and send their forgiveness and actually received their forgiveness. When I was introduced to Kairos I wanted to attend because I felt like I needed a more personal experience with those that loved the Lord and those that loved being in prisons helping others. Kairos changed my life in so many ways! I went into the Kairos Weekend with an open mind desiring to change and know that I’d be making friends of a lifetime! Truth be told I honestly did!

My Kairos Weekend

During my Weekend I was astonished! I had so much love given to me and personal prayers for me that I could feel the love beaming off everyone who was there volunteering. Everyone was amazing and so knowledgeable. I knew that everyone was there because they “WANTED” to be there. One volunteer was pulled quite thin, yet she kept a smile on her face through and through! Her spirit as well as everyone else’s that was there was kind, compassionate, caring, devoted, and committed to helping everyone participating to find and learn who Jesus Christ and God were and also the Holy Spirit! I loved being able to feel the vibrant feeling of love. Everyday we were rained on with nothing but love!

I believe the Kairos Weekend was when I decided that I wanted to go back into the prisons, schools, and youth facilities. I have always had a desire to give back what had been given to me. Needless to say, when I got out life got ahold of me and I didn’t go back into the system or even into schools. I knew this was a calling from God, yet I was running. I got out of prison in August 2002 and here it is 20 years later when I’m finally reaching out. I was praying and praying to God like why my life was so hard and God just flat out told me it was because I didn’t follow through with the plans He had for me.

I truly must tell anyone that is considering going to Kairos to go! You will have an experience to carry you through for a lifetime. Kairos truly changed me from the inside out. I was made whole! I never gave up on my God and He never gave up on me! I plan on becoming a Kairos volunteer and I pray to be able to work in the youth facilities. I believe if youths are caught early enough, they may never have to see the inside of an adult prison. I believe Kairos should be taught in schools, mainly middle schools! I believe if not Kairos due to church and schools are not supposed to be intertwined, that volunteers should start trying to reach middle school students because I know I started getting in trouble in 7th grade.
I’m ready to begin my journey with Kairos on the outside. I believe they are the reason I kept so close to God and raised my kids up in the ways of the Lord. God has been Great to me and mine!!! I know that giving everything to God is a must to live a happy and fruitful life!